Uplift

Are You A Runner?

Just the question alone might have you wondering are we getting ready to embark upon a blog about running for exercise? Well, no not this time. I’m leaning more into writing about things happening in my personal life in the moment. I’ve found it helpful to get it out and sort my feelings in this space. I write to heal, and it’s helps me live free in my heart. I write so that by any chance of grace just one person stumbles here and find my words and feel less alone, I think God will be satisfied and I will be satisfied. What I’ve learned is I may never know who it is and I’m okay with that, I feel joy at even the thought of it. There is healing in our truth, not just for us but in some instances for those we find courage to share it with. So, the running I’m talking about is the emotional running I do when I am hurt by someone I love and trust. In most cases the hurt isn’t intentional but, it’s still painful. So, hi my name is Lora and I’m a recovering emotional hurt runner😩💚.
I’ve felt like this for a very long time emotionally as a runner. I was always ready to take off and the shot gun was the very moment you hurt me. In a race, you didn’t ask for explanations when you heard the gun, you just took off. It was the thing that I used to protect myself because of that soul vow I made repeatedly to myself, “Nobody will ever hurt me again”. I decided that I would take matters into my own hands. If you hurt me, you were gone, or I let you stay but I was emotionally gone. Ever been there? I was still in relationship with you but there were areas you at one time could access and now, your access was denied. I will be the first to tell you that it isn’t healthy, but it sure feels safe. The thing is though, everything that we put in place to keep ourselves safe does not always benefit us, especially when they are created from false narratives we have running in the background of our minds. I have learned that running away from moments that I need to face and deal with were not healthy. What I did not realize was that even when something hurts me,(now this is not for every case you are hurt) it is still safe to stay and work through the hurt. Every person that hurts us does not need to be cut off. Every person that disappoints us does not need to be kicked out of our lives. In exploring all of this, I began to wonder, was I really running from confrontation that I thought would lead to rejection which was truly what I was afraid of.
I came to learn that when I run which for me looks like, shutting people out, shutting down, not confronting, silencing my own voice, disconnecting or showing up with a wall around myself. All of this is typically what I call running. Honestly this worked for me in certain seasons of my life but in this season running is not serving me well. I’ve ran into some dark places in my heart and mind all trying to avoid being hurt or feeling the deep ache of rejection. When I’ve been hurt my mind starts shooting off missiles into my heart. Those missiles are negative thoughts that lead me into dark places. When I choose to stay, feel the hurt, confront the individual that hurt me it stops the negative missiles being fired into my heart. It stops the negative narrative running in my mind. It keeps me in reality because really, we’re going to get hurt but it’s how we allow that hurt to affect us that really matters. I am learning to fight the urge to run and it’s difficult. I feel afraid to let go of another tool that I have used to keep myself safe. It’s like over time I’ve gotten me a bag and in that bag I’ve placed a mirage of different tools that have served me down through the years keeping me safe. Did they always keep me safe? Honestly not really. Did they stop me from being hurt? Well, not really but they felt safe to have in my bag. I’m held safe by Jesus. I’m kept safe by Jesus. I’m protected by Jesus. Does it mean I won’t get hurt if Jesus is holding me safe, no because even with him, I still get hurt but he uses it to build me, to teach me and to strengthen me.
This plant growing is what I feel like. I’m growing and exploring things that might not serve me well now. When you find safety and healing then things are free to flow into your mind that you need to remove from your tool bag. I was in counseling many years and I learned a lot of tools to help me with my mental health, I also put a lot of tools in there that I thought needed to be. The tools I put in there were tools that were not all together good for me but they were keeping me safe at the level I thought I needed in that season. So, yes I’m learning to stay and let the pain flow through me to flow out of me. I’m learning to have the uncomfortable confrontations for clarity, understanding and release. People we love hurt us, but they are not sitting around plotting and planning how to do it. Honestly sometimes people are not even aware they hurt us and we have cut them off and they have no clue as to why. Are you a runner? Are you running away from good relationships because someone unintentionally hurt you? It might be that like me, you need to lean into those tough conversations. It’s good to tell people who have hurt you why you were hurt and how it made you feel. I think even if the hurt was unintentional the person still needs to understand why it hurt you. I’m praying that this gives you courage to stop running when your hurt but be still and explore those feelings and confront as you need to. The only race we need to be running is the Christian race💚
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godsgirllora
I am a wife, a mother a believer in Jesus Christ and a person who has lived with a mental health condition. My desire is to come alongside of those like me who need support. I will write my real, raw, honest journey through this in hopes that you and I can find strength through it together. Your comments are welcomed and honored here. All I ask is that you be respectful with your words because my journey might not look like yours but it is mine. Looking forward to walking alongside you here in this safe space. P.S If your looking for perfect grammar and words placed perfect….you won’t find that here. You will find words that come from my heart and the heart of Jesus, hopefully in that you will find hope. I believe with hope comes the courage to step into the safety of the light.
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