Uplift

When Forgiveness Feels Wrong

     

      Before I begin to share this post, I want you to know that these are thoughts from my heart as I’m working my way through this journey of completely understanding all the parts and pieces that come with forgiveness. Let me just say,” Forgiveness does not always feel right”, to be totally honest, there are times it feels totally wrong.  Have you ever done something that you knew was right, but it did not feel right inside? I know I have done it, and I feel like I’m a fake or fraud when I do. My heart feels tangled up trying to forgive when it feels wrong that I even think of offering it. There are times when the person who hurts you so deeply does not even see a reason to ask for your forgiveness as a matter of fact, they don’t even see how deeply their actions have wounded you. This is when forgiveness feels wrong. How do you even get there when the person who has wounded you refuses to acknowledge what they have done? Is it even possible to forgive a person who is no longer here on earth? These are some of the questions I have grappled with in processing the gift of forgiving another person of wrong done against me.

      Honestly, I have lived in this place of wanting  to forgive somethings but then there are things that fell in my category of unforgivable, it felt  like I was  helping them and hurting me when I chose to forgive.  I’m hoping that I can shed some clarity and light on some  questions that I’ve asked myself as I’ve been on this journey.  I want to share with you how I’m finding peace with forgiving even when I feel like it’s unfair, trust me sometimes it feels like a never ending journey but I’m further along than when I began.

A few days ago I was texting with a friend and we got on the subject of forgiving. I realized in that conversation that I have lived from the thinking that forgiveness would erase the pain of what the person did to hurt me. I thought that since it was for me that it would erase the memories of what was done. I’ve come to realize that forgiveness does not erase the pain but it gives me strength to process it and not allow it control over me. I’ve found it to be difficult but definitely not impossible. Let me say this,”Forgiveness does not have a magic wand”. It does not erase the memories of the incident but somehow with the help of God it helps  end the control over you that the memories seem to have. You might be like me in thinking that it doesn’t control you. I thought that for a long time till I did a honest assessment of myself when I would remember the incident. I would immediately get deeply sad, disconnect and feel shame. I would then want to get in bed or get alone so I could just cry. The pain of the memory would eat at me from the inside out. This would go on for days. I would feel anger towards the person that hurt me, well honestly I felt hate towards them. This in itself bought up guilt for feeling this way and saying I’m a believer in Christ. All of this went against everything Jesus stood for. The truth is that Jesus loved me regardless and he wanted me to live free.  I did not need to be attached to that thing any longer.
I use to get so angry when I came across quotes like the one above. It felt like it was laying the responsibility of breaking free on me forgiving the person who caused the wound. It felt like if I did not forgive I would not be free. I believe I experienced a measure of freedom but the full measure of freedom was in letting it go. How could I truly be free if I held on to the person who wounded me with  not forgiving them. I was unknowingly binding myself up in chains to this person.  I did not see the control they had over me until I realize that I kept the memories on repeat in my mind. I thought to forgive them actually meant that what they did couldn’t be so bad because I could forgive them of it. When honestly I’m discovering that in forgiving them I’m  choosing my freedom. Don’t get me wrong because that still didn’t make it easier but it made it possible. It is not something you can do in your own strength, it can only be done through Christ. You will encounter people that can immediately forgive and release things. You will also meet people who need to process and come to the place where they can walk in forgiveness. Does it make us less of a believer of Christ, absolutely not.

Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness can be one of the hardest things that you do , but one of the most rewarding. You might forgive someone of something but decide to have no contact with that person. I want you to know that , it is okay. Forgiveness feels so wrong when you have been physically hurt, mentally hurt, betrayed, mistreated or even manipulated into doing something you did not want to. God still desires us to walk in forgiveness. I honestly think God knows that it is a process but, a process that leads to freedom. It might take a while for you to get there but you will eventually arrive. Even when forgiveness feels wrong, God still calls us to it. Not only does he call us to it, he walks with us through the process to get to it. God knows that it hurt you deeply and the pain is still there. God knows that you feel that it is unfair to offer forgiveness in that situation but guess what, he also knows the freedom that is on the other side when you can forgive. Forgiveness empowers you to walk in complete and total healing and freedom. When those old thoughts and feelings try to raise their ugly head, you will have to remind them that they no longer have access to you and that you are CHOOSING to walk in forgiveness. Let me say this as well, forgiveness is not a memory loss pill, so it might not take the memories away but it will certainly ease the pain of them and you want feel as connected to them as you did when you were holding unforgiveness. Please know that forgiveness is right but that does not mean that it will always feel right or even fair. God will honor your prayers from what ever angle you choose to pray for help from. It might be Lord I’m not ready to forgive right now, but I am asking you to help me get there or it could be Lord I want to forgive but it feels so unfair please help me to do it anyway. God hears the honesty and authenticity in our prayers. God desires you to come to him right from where you are, not from the place you pretend to be. I am in this with you and I am praying for us to walk in the courage and bravery it takes to forgive, even when it feels unfair. I am so grateful that you are here on this journey with me.

Praying alongside you.

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godsgirllora
I am a wife, a mother a believer in Jesus Christ and a person who lives with a mental health condition. My desire is to come alongside of those like me who need support. I will write my real, raw, honest journey through this in hopes that you and I can find strength through it together. Your comments are welcomed and honored here. All I ask is that you be respectful with your words because my journey might not look like yours but it is mine. Looking forward to walking alongside you here in this safe space. P.S If your looking for perfect grammar and words placed perfect….you won’t find that here. You will find words that come from my heart and the heart of Jesus, hopefully in that you will find hope. I believe with hope comes the courage to step into the safety of the light.
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