Uplift

Letting The Walls Fall

I searched and searched looking for a particular picture that was in my head and could not find it. So, now here we are with what I could find. If I could place my heart right between these two walls, it would be the perfect picture to lead into what I’m going to share with you in this post. I began as a little child building a wall around myself and more specifically, my heart. After being deeply wounded even as a little girl in church settings, I learned that to be safe in church I would need to build a secure wall around myself that I could control who got in and how far in I would allow them. I mastered the skill of loving others well without letting them beyond the walls of my safe place. I could make you feel like you were in but most people were really outside of my walls which is where I felt safe from anyone hurting me. Pain has a way of hurting so deeply till you would almost do anything not to have it hurt like that again. So in this post I want to talk to you about, “Letting The Walls Fall”. If you have ever been hurt, 🙋…..honestly, who hasn’t ? If you have this post is definitely for you. I’m standing in the tension of the walls falling down and the thoughts of what that will look like for me.
As a teenager I found this scripture, and I felt like it gave me permission to build walls around my heart to keep from being hurt.  The scripture basically says to guard my heart with all diligence in the King James Version. Guarding my heart has to mean, building walls around it. In all truth, guarding your heart in this scripture is just simply telling us to not allow things to fester in our heart but deal with them quickly. The more I was hurt the thicker the walls got and the higher I built them. The thing I began to realize was, ” My walls kept me safe but they also kept me from really loving others and allowing others to love me”. I didn’t know what it felt like to love freely with no fear of being hurt. If I loved like that I would surely be hurt again. So, I shut people out if they tried to breech my barrier of protection. If I felt myself letting them in too close then I backed away. I started believing that vulnerability led to being open to having your heart crushed by the one you were vulnerable with. I could never risk that even if it meant doing life alone. This is a belief system that I adapted to after being repeatedly hurt by people who should have protected me, people who I thought I could trust, people who sat beside me in church and in some cases people who preached to me on Sundays. Is this a post to bash church, absolutely not. In order to tell you about letting the walls fall, I first have to tell you what the walls were and where they even came from. I’m truly hoping it helps you truly understand what it meant for me to let the walls fall.
You can be hurt anywhere and by anyone or anything. The majority of my hurt as a child came  through trauma and church hurt. I made a vow to myself as a child and as an adult that nobody would ever hurt me again. I decided I would protect myself no matter what it cost, till recently. Keep reading so much beauty has came from all of this.
This symbol will mean very little to you but it means new life for me. This is the symbol that represents the church I belong to. When I look at this symbol, I think of the new life I’ve found here. Piedmont Chapel is a church for all people to find new life in Christ. All people included people who had been living with so much fear surrounding letting others in to sacred areas of their heart. People like me who needed new life in Christ. The life I had been living from that painful place was not the life Christ died to give me. Honestly even believers at times need to find new life in Christ. I came to Piedmont Chapel broken, hurting, scars from a traumatic childhood that continued to be triggered from church trauma and with thick walls of protection around my heart. The thing about these walls were that they were being built from a little girl into my adult life. I started attending Piedmont Chapel but I made sure nobody knew me. I made sure to get out before I engaged in any conversation. I just wanted to come to church. I had never been in church where I was not giving or holding a title or position of leadership. At Piedmont Chapel I just came. I had forgotten what it was like to just sit in service and just receive. The more I came, the more peace I found. I’ve been there now a little over four years and I realized recently that I’m ,”Letting the walls Fall Down”. I’m slowly allowing myself to be known. I feel my heart opening like it’s never opened before. So, now I’m standing in the in-between place where my walls of protection are falling away and I’m not sure what it should look like or even how it should feel. I feel safe in church again. I’m not pressured to do or be, I’m just being led through sermon after sermon to a deeper relationship with Jesus. This post is to honor this space that I’m in. The place where I’m learning to love again, learning that  church doesn’t have to be a place of pain. No church is perfect but there is a church that is perfect for you. All churches are made up of people who are not perfect but we somehow have the expectation that church should be. That is just not possible. The more my walls fall away, the more my heart feels free. I have an excitement to come to church that I had not experienced in many years. I wasn’t coming to church to see people however though, it is through people that we see Jesus. It feels so good to be known. I have to be honest and say, there is still a small amount of fear there and I still hold back at times but, I’m not running from this process any longer. I’m actually giving the walls permission to fall.

      Maybe you have built walls of protection around your heart. Maybe you have just been hurt in so many different areas by different people that your struggling to trust ever again. I understand the walls you have built and the inward vows you made to never be hurt that way again. I understand your lack of motivation in building connection and community. I understand the desire for relationship but not wanting to sacrifice your heart again. Hurt is hurt no matter where it stems from. The thing I’ve learned is that walls protect us but they also create feelings of loneliness and disconnect. Walls also keep us from meaningful relationships that can help us learn to trust again. I have been literally watching and feeling the walls around my heart crumble. Does this mean that I’m naive to just letting anyone in, absolutely not. There are still places within my heart that I keep sacred to just a few. I’m praying for you that you find people to feel loved enough by till you can finally let your protective wall fall away knowing that Jesus has got you. I’m grateful you are here💚.

     

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godsgirllora
I am a wife, a mother a believer in Jesus Christ and a person who has lived with a mental health condition. My desire is to come alongside of those like me who need support. I will write my real, raw, honest journey through this in hopes that you and I can find strength through it together. Your comments are welcomed and honored here. All I ask is that you be respectful with your words because my journey might not look like yours but it is mine. Looking forward to walking alongside you here in this safe space. P.S If your looking for perfect grammar and words placed perfect….you won’t find that here. You will find words that come from my heart and the heart of Jesus, hopefully in that you will find hope. I believe with hope comes the courage to step into the safety of the light.
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