Tag: therapy

Ending Therapy

The beginning of therapy can be as beautiful as this flower. As I look at this flower I think about the seed it use to be, I consider how it must have felt being buried in the cold dark earth where no one could see it. I also think of the process it went through to begin growing in the earth before anyone ever got to see it push through the dark and begin to grow above the dirt. This is how I honestly see therapy. For me, I felt as if I was a small seed with past trauma which was largely affecting my ability to live mentally healthy. I did not even know that within the seed was the flower, it just needed to go through the process to become it.  I enter therapy and the therapist steps into the cold dark earth where my pass thought it planted my future. No one really sees at first the process that happens in the earth, which , if you will, is similar to the process I went through in  her office. In the earth or dirt of the earth where seeds are planted lies nutrients needed for healthy growth.  The flower also needs water. Those within my circle gave me water to grow by encouraging me  to keep going to therapy, by telling me  how excited they were that I was doing the work in therapy. This caused me to work harder to become well.

     

This post is to honor what it feels like to end therapy. No matter how ready you feel you are, ending Therapy can be difficult. I went through a grieving process ending Therapy. I knew I was ready to stop going but I also was afraid to loose my safe place to check in. The place I felt seen, known and heard in. I knew it was the only  place I felt like I could just talk my real raw honest feelings out. There was no hiding in that space. I didn’t even want to hide. Once trust was established and boundaries were in place to keep us both safe a relationship built. This relationship felt more like a partnership to better my mental health. The better I began to get the more I came to realize it was time to let go. I tried to think of it as the next step towards embracing my healing. I was better but felt unready to keep going without my safe check in. See what I did not realize was that all the hard work I had been doing in therapy was preparing me for this moment. My therapist always said to me that all good therapist work their way out of job. So basically good therapist have a goal to get you well enough that you can keep going and live well. That does not take away the sad feeling when you take your first steps without the support that therapy offers. The thing I’ve learned is that it’s my first steps without my therapist but not without my Jesus💚.
I saw this quote and I thought it seemed appropriate to add here. I think because therapist do become someone for clients it becomes difficult to let it go. Honestly not only is it difficult for us, it can be difficult for therapist to let go. How do you not build a closeness with someone that shared the most intimate details of their lives. Often sharing secrets they have never told to anyone. I can only imagine the load that therapist carry. I can only imagine the boundaries it takes to shut it off. Shut out the pain that was released in their office,to shut off the stories that were released and their ears had to hear. The beauty they get to see is when you are ready to let go. To see you move forward using the tools that they poured into you. Tools that will carry you long after you end therapy. I continuously remind myself that God is always with me. God walked with me before therapy, during therapy and even now. Ending Therapy is beautiful and sometimes messy. It’s a funny kind of joy and ache. It feels good to be well, yet scary to be well enough to journey forward without your safe place. You have got this, I have got this, we have got this. Spread your wings and soar beautiful soul. You have God with you. You have the tools you have been taught in therapy and you are so much stronger now.

Lord Jesus I thank you for therapist who help us to live mentally well. I thank you for the wisdom that they have inside us. I thank you for the journey to healing that you walk with us through. I thank you for those beginning therapy that they will find strength, courage, healing and the will to keep going. I pray for those ending Therapy that they will know you are always with them. In Jesus name. Amen

What is Mental Health

The remaining of this month, I want to honor those of us who live with a mental health condition. I definitely want to honor those like myself who have lived with a mental health struggle and depended upon medication. I’m truly hoping that throughout the  post I share this month you will find strength and courage to keep fighting, keep going and keep living. I hope you will know that you my friend are not alone in your struggle. The image above is an idea God gave me a few years ago as a way of reminding others to pray for the 1 in 5 individuals who struggle with a mental health condition. Inside of the bottle is 4 beautiful pearls and 1 beautiful pearl that is a mix of a pretty green color and pearl color. This represents the 1 in 5 people who struggle with mental health. Just know if you walk in a room of 20 people at least 4 of you have a mental health struggle. YOU are not ALONE.

     

       So as I have been thinking and preparing for this month to bring awareness to what the world is considering a mental health crisis.  I thought the best place to start with is the definition of mental health.  I found this definition in multiple places,”Mental Health includes our emotional, psychological and social well being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others and make healthy choices”.  So paraphrased in my own words, “Mental health affects the way we think, process and socialize. It helps to determine how we respond to stress which determines how stress affects us. It helps determine how we process social situations and how those environments affect us”.  Mental health can affect a wide range of things within our bodies. We oftentimes don’t even realize that it is our mental health causing some of the high emotions that were experiencing. Depression can sometimes come with headaches, fatigue, digestive problems and upset stomach. The fatigue was the worse for me. I felt like it took all of my strength to get up, shower and get dress. I could not really think clearly, it always felt as if my brain was foggy and my thoughts were rushing around inside of my head like racing cars. I was not sleeping at night. Years ago I did not know that all of this was connected to trauma and it piled on top of my mental health. I struggled with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I want to let you in on a secret, mental health matters to God. God does not desire for his children to suffer in silence. God has created resources through the hands of humans that can help our mental health💚.

I must say that mental health struggles look differently on everybody. Some people are smiling on the inside while having  an eternal battle inside with depression. Some people are famous actors but battling anxiety on the inside. Everybody has mental health but not everyone struggles with it. I want to let you in on a secret……did you know if you have struggles with stress, you have a mental health struggle. I found out a few years ago that stress is in the DSM 4. In this month I want to honor those who live with mental health struggles. It is real and some days so much more painful than others could imagine. Let’s lift our voice up and share our experiences with it more than just this month. I truly believe that the more we share our stories it takes the shame and stigma away. It strengthens us and those that are impacted by our experience. It helps others know they are not alone. I know it can be hard to understand because it’s not a physical illness but that does not change the fact that it is a illness. It affects our physical bodies and our minds. Honestly I’m so grateful for my journey. I could not say that before but it has made me stronger. It has made me more sensitive to the state of others mental health. I’ve got a greater understanding of the pain because I’ve lived it, fought it and faced it. I am still a survivor and so are you.

Lord, I pray for every person that is living with a mental health condition. I pray for supernatural healing to their mind body and soul. I thank you God that you will place people around them that will walk alongside of them. I thank you for just being God. In Jesus name. Amen

The Longing For A Dad

     I’m going to warn you ahead of time that this will be a tough post to read. It will probably be one of the hardest post I will ever write. I want to challenge you to stay here with me. I have found so much healing here in this space through writing. I write from my heart in hopes that it will shine a light into your heart. I’m hoping in my post that you will find the courage to step into the light. Stepping into the light simply means, stepping into the truth. There is light in the truth. There is power in the light of the truth.  I am going to share a longing that I’ve had the greater part of my life with you. Writing this post already feels uncomfortable, it feels like I’m being gutted the way we do fish in the cleaning process. I’m going to share my deep ache for a dad. Some of this may be triggering, so please be gentle with yourself. Please know that it’s okay if you need to skip this post until you are ready.

      From the earliest time that I can remember my dad was always a man that worked. He went to work no matter the circumstances or weather, he did not miss work. My dad made sure the bills were  paid. He loved to cook big dinners and have others brag about how good the food tasted. He was in the home, he provided but I spent my life wondering if he hated me. My dad never used the words he loved me but as I’ve gotten older and matured, I don’t think he knew how. It’s one thing to have a dad who is physically absent, but to have a dad in the home but feel as if he is physically and emotionally absent is a different kind of beast. I think I could deal differently if he wasn’t there. I know my expectations of him would probably be different. I spent my entire childhood dreaming of a father that my dad could never be. I finally realized that it wasn’t because of me, but he just did not have the capacity to give to me what he never received. Honestly my father was a angry child that grew into a angry adult and raised children with all of that anger. I oftentimes wonder what was that thing that made him such a angry person. I wonder what happened in his childhood that he buried and let bitter and anger grow in that space where healing should have taken place. Honestly all I ever wanted to be was daddy’s little girl. I wanted him to see me, I mean like really see me, the little girl that desperately needed him.

            This little girl in the picture above is me. When I look at her, my heart aches for her and the mental abuse she lived through. I can remember still to this day, incidents that happened at my father’s hands that should have destroyed me inside. There were times it felt as if it did. My dad was a yeller and a cusser. I remember him calling me and fear would course through my veins. The fear I lived in at my childhood home became anxiety in my adult life.  From my earliest memory, I was called all kinds of degrading and derogatory names. The names were names I didn’t even understand the meaning of but yet I felt shame. I didn’t understand that what I was feeling was shame but it was. I was ashame because even as a little girl, I felt that those words were bad.  Even as a child, I felt like I was a bad girl. Why would my own father call me names like that unless I was really bad inside. So, I set out on a mission to make myself good inside so that I could finally be worthy of his love.

        I look at her and I remember how much I wanted to get the attention of my father. I wanted him to cheer me on when I reached a milestone in my development.   I needed him to give me words of affirmation that validated me inside. I spent a lot of years trying to get out of him what I thought I deserved as his daughter. Honestly I thought all little girls deserved to feel safe with their fathers. I thought all little girls deserved affirmations from their fathers. After he died about 3 years ago I realized that a father is not made just because he got a woman pregnant and she gave birth to his child. A father is made by the care he gives to his children. The gift of having a dad in your life is so precious. The way a dad treats his daughter will in some cases help decide the type man she will marry. As a child growing up, I remember reminding myself often, to never marry a man like my father. I did not want my kids growing up in the fear, hatred and anger I grew up in. I’ve wasted a lot of head space trying to figure out why he was the way he was. I have wasted a lot of mental headspace trying to figure out why I couldn’t be the child he loved. The truth is, he loved me the best he could.  I truly believe that the way we are loved as a child can sometimes hinder us from loving well as adults if we allow it. I love deeply but with reservations. I love but still struggle with loving completely. Thank God for how he continues to heal my heart.

            The picture above is me today. I married an amazing man and he is a wonderful father to our children. I feel like as I’ve watched him father our children, it has healed places in my heart that I thought would never heal. Do I still struggle with not having a good father? Yes their are moments still that I long for that relationship with my father who is no longer here with me. As a matter of fact a few years ago when he died, I remember thinking…all hopes of having a relationship with him died. I think I grieved more for what could never be than for my father. I had to make peace with those dreams of the father I still hoped he could be. I remember sitting at his service and I did not shed one tear. I felt so guilty but I felt nothing on that day. It was just recently that I actually really let myself cry and be sad. I’m still sorting through all of my feelings and strong emotions surrounding his death. The one thing I know is that Jesus will be our father if we let him.  I know that we never have to prove our value to him. I’m his daughter who he loves even before he placed me in my mother’s womb. If you are reading this and you are struggling with daddy issues, please know you are still so loved. You are desperately wanted by our heavenly father Jesus. He sees you and he knows the deep ache in your heart to be in relationship with your father. Jesus deepest desire is to be in relationship with you. Jesus desires to hear about your day. Jesus desires to comfort you when your hurting. You do not have to earn his love, it just is. Today may you know the deep, deep love of your heavenly father. May you feel it in those places you are hurting. You my friend can stop striving for his love and begin to thrive in his love.

Heavenly father I pray for the one reading this that might be hurting from daddy issues. God I ask that you would heal their heart. I pray that your love would flood their very being. In Jesus name. Amen

The Women Who Care For My Health

      So, in this post I’m so excited to honor the women who have cared for my health both physical and mental. I truly believe we cannot be well in one area while allowing the other to suffer. I also believe with my whole heart that physical and mental health works hand in hand. You are only as well mentally as you are physically and vice versa. I learned the importance of taking care of both. I noticed as I became mentally healthy my physical health began to improve….it’s like they compliment each other🙃. As women we are very quick to lay ourselves down for the sake of others. We are very quick to sacrifice our well-being for what may seem like a good cause but at the end of the day we’re suffering inside for it. You are worth fighting for. You are worth thinking about. Please stop making yourself an afterthought in certain situations. It’s ok to think of yourself first. It’s ok to set aside time for you. It’s okay to buy that ice cream that no one else in your house eats, but you😉. It is even okay to take the scenic route home, just because you need time to unwind. So, let’s go with this next group of amazing women that keep me healthy.

First I want to honor this lady right here. Several years ago, I was looking for a new doctor. I went online and began to research doctors in my area. I came across her name and face during my research. I read reviews and decided I would give her a try. I called and sat up the appointment. Now let me tell you, I was afraid because it was something new and that meant I would have to open up to trusting another medical professional again. I sat in the room waiting for her to enter for my very first appointment. Soon in walks Sara Carter Spencer, her smile and kindness was the first thing that put my fears at rest. My heart opened the moment she sat down in a chair and talked with me. Not only did she talk to me, she listened, I mean like truly listened to me. Now more than over 4 years later this woman still sits and listens to me. I love that she allows me to be a part of making decisions concerning my health. She cares about my health both mentally and physically. I love that she will refer me quickly to a specialist if needed to ensure that I receive the best quality of care to keep me well. This lady has impacted my life by restoring my faith in medical professionals. This is what moved me more than anything recently. During the pandemic on one of my visits at the peek of all the racism that was happening in the world, we sat down and had a chat. I shared my fears and concerns and I listened to her feed back. I felt heard and seen by her, it meant so much to me.  Dr. Sara is a gift to my life and she has taken care of my physical health and made sure to put me in connection with the right people for my mental health. I will be forever grateful for the gift she is in my life.
Next is this lady right here who has been a gift to my mental health. I made my very first counseling appointment with Meg in 2017. I remember the first time walking into her office, there was this peace that filled me and I knew I was in the right place in that season of my life. Every single week, Meg showed up and she listened and she taught me tools to keep fighting. I was so broken and the mental pain felt like it would take me under. I learned tools to work through triggers from my past. I learned that my story did not have to define me and nor could it rob me of my future unless I allowed it to. Meg helped me believe that I was worthy of good things. She reminded me often that bad things happen to good people but it doesn’t make them bad. Meg asked questions that made me dig deep within places inside of me that needed to be healed. I love that her office was safe for me. It became sort of a sanctuary in that season of my life. I am not sure I would have came through my husband’s surgery 4 years ago without her. I faced so many fears in her office. I let go of pain that I had pushed so far down inside that I thought it would go away. The pain was eating me from the inside out. In session with Meg, I learned that my life was worth living, not just life but the life I had been given was worth living. We have worked through a lot of trauma, I’ve cried many tears in her office and found healing for many wounds. I’m truly grateful for Meg and the years she has walked alongside me in my mental health journey. It takes a village and I’m grateful for this part of my village. If you are struggling find a therapist you can trust and begin to heal. We all deserve medical professionals we can trust and mental health professionals we can heal with.

      As a woman I want to encourage you to fight for your physical and mental health. I want you to make it a priority. Fighting will look different for all of us. Don’t be afraid if protecting your mental health might include medicine for a season. It might include regular medical checkups. It might include hard counseling sessions. It might include exercise and eating right. It might include saying no to things that affect your mental health negatively. It might even mean saying no to things and people you love as a way of protecting yourself. I truly believe that you are worthy of being kept safe.

I’ve been so overwhelmed writing each of these, not in a bad way. Just truly overwhelmed with gratitude at the faithfulness of God. Hang in there with me, only a few more left to go. I hope you will take time to tell your medical provider how much you appreciate the care you receive from them. Take a moment in your next session with your therapist to let them know how grateful you are for the care they give you for your mental health. Keep going. You are worth it

     

Fear of the Unknown

     Lately this has been my greatest struggle. I’ve found myself afraid of the future which is the unknown to me. I’ve found myself worrying about things that are beyond my control. I’ve been over processing in my heart and mind all the what if’s. Just allowing the noise in my head to become louder and louder. Right now the unknown makes me feel unsafe and a little out of sorts. As this world is changing and I see things happening around me, I feel like I can’t trust the things in my world that use to feel stable and safe for me. It feels so overwhelming at times as I consider  what the future holds. I think I’ve believed that Christians are not suppose to  be afraid but we’re human and as humans we are going to experience human emotions. I’m learning how to place my unknown future into the hands of an unseen God who has great plans for my life.

      I want to know all the details of what is ahead of me. I find myself trying to plan out the unknown when all I need is to trust God who created me and knows the details of my future.  I find my heart being overwhelmed and anxious about not being able to see how this world will continue to unfold . Are you like me wanting to know every single detail before it happens? You want to know every step you will take and how those steps will work for you or against you. You don’t want to trust in what you can’t see. You would rather see it all and then trust because only then will you know how it all works. Oh how we wish the world was simpler just like that. Unfortunately that is just not how it all works in this earth. You may never know all the details of what’s next. You can plan and plan and plan and it still not go as you planned but, it’s ok, it really, truly is ok. Fear can paralyze us and keep us from the beauty of what’s in our futures. I will be honest with you, it can’t possibly ALL be ugly, it’s just sometimes we can’t see the beauty because we’re so focused on the ugly.

Fear if allowed can cripple us and keep us stagnant in places that no longer serve us well. Fear is only powerful when we allow it to rule and reign in our lives. Now, you might say fear does not control me…..ummmmm. ok, so make the phone call, go on the interview, write the book, prepare the message, make the connection, start the blog, do the podcast, just stop overthinking it and letting fear decide for you. When we know there are things we need to do and we struggle with admitting the truth, we’re really just afraid of the unknown. Would you do what’s in your heart if you knew it was going to be successful? If you knew the blog would be amazing, would you do it? If you knew the book was going to be a bestseller,would you be writing it right now? A healthy amount of fear is natural but fear that cripples you into not moving is very unhealthy and needs to be dealt with. Sometimes to face our fears is simply to just admit that they are real. Explore the reason we’re afraid, take time to understand what is it that we’re really afraid of in our future or concerning our future. I will tell you that oftentimes the true reason we’re afraid is not surface level reasons, it’s more in-depth than we’re often willing to go👀. I chose the picture above because it looks like the face of courage and fear at the same time. My motto I adopted from Joyce Meyers years ago is,”Do it Afraid”.

I’m encouraging myself with this one. Fear is natural but letting it keep you stagnant is harmful. Go for it, give fear a punch in the face. Step out in that dream. Write your plan to accomplish that goal and ask God for courage to do it. Write the book, make the call, create the resume and don’t sell yourself short in it. Fill out that application, go to that counseling session( it might just save your life), make that friend connection, join the church you’ve been visiting, have that conversation. You know what it is you have been so afraid of. Only you know the fear of your unknown. I know the unknown to you is known to God. If he said do it, DO it. If he said go, GO. As we are approaching 2023 more quickly than ever, let’s do the thing we’ve been wanting to do. Maybe it’s an art class, a pottery class, maybe it’s a writing class or a branding class for your new company. Let’s go for it. Let’s walk boldly into the fear of the unknown trusting a God that knows.

God I thank you for the person reading this. Give them the peace they need. Help them to not allow the fear of the unknown to keep them stagnant. Help them to know that you are with them in all of of it. Amen.

Therapy and Jesus

I must admit that this might be a little touchy for people to read. I promise to tread here softly but truthfully. I know that a lot of christians believe that if we have Jesus we have everything that we need. I truly believe that Jesus offers to us everything we need but I also completely believe that he uses others as well to help him be that in the earth. I’m going to try to make this a little clearer. Jesus cannot come in the flesh and sit with us and offer wisdom and support in a flesh body but he can embody a therapist and fill him or her with his wisdom to do just that in a fleshly human body. The same with doctors, nurses, psychiatrist etc…he uses so many different avenues to be all that we need in the earth. So with all that being said, I want to share with you about having Jesus and still going to therapy. I will not say that therapy is for everyone because I strongly believe it is an individual choice. I do believe that anyone that needs therapy should be able to go without the judgement of others. Therapy does not say you are a weak Christian as a matter of fact, to me your just as strong of a Christian as the next person your just doing what you need to do to remain in a place that God can use you. Did you realize that being mentally healthy is important to you doing ministry healthy?

I will share my own personal journey with you on my experience with therapy and Jesus. I will never forget the moment I entered a therapist office for the first time. I was scared and felt a little ashamed because it had come down to me desperately needing that level of support. I felt like I was somehow failing God by needing to go. What I didn’t understand was that God would meet me in that therapist office and I would sense his presence with me in every session. I did not know how desperately I needed to get those trauma secrets I had been carrying out. I needed to do it with a trained professional who could support and guide me in voicing those experiences that needed to come out. See those secrets were in the dark because I was too ashamed to share them. Once I voiced them they were brought into the light in the safety of her office and after processing them in a healthy place, they soon were rendered powerless. I felt like I was no longer keeping poison inside that was rotting me from the inside out. I’ve gone to counseling off and on for many years now. I’ve also loved and served Jesus through all of it. I have come to realize that Jesus did not stop loving me because I went to therapy. I wasn’t sat on a shelf somewhere and deemed unusable. I believe that he still took all of it and used it for his glory to help others to come to him with their mental health struggles.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a little while now and it’s been the best thing. I’ve seen a few therapist over the years and it’s been amazing. I’ve seen Christian therapist and secular therapist. I’ve learned that with any therapist you have to take what works for you and leave what doesn’t. Even seeing a Christian therapist does not mean that every thing that they share is going to work for you. The beauty of therapy I believe is the right that you always have to choose. At the end of every session, you get to choose what you walk away with. A good therapist will never force you to use every single technique they teach. The words they speak are not the gospel😉. Good therapist want you to remain in control, they want you to use your voice and remember that this is your life given to you by God and only you can live it. I think of them as someone who can help me to process things that are causing me pain. Oftentimes I view their offices as safe places to let go. I see them as places I can rest from my heavy protective armour and just be. I can be present in that moment with them it is safe to voice my struggles in the safety of their office. When I was processing very painful memories, I longed for those sessions to check in and process those moments. I reminded myself that God was with me and he was going to help me get through the process. Therapist are not God’s but they can be led by God and they can be used by God to help us heal.

I want to leave this thought with you. You can absolutely have Jesus and STILL go to therapy. You can serve Jesus and love him with your whole heart and STILL go to therapy. You can preach, teach, read, quote, study and memorize the word of God and STILL go to therapy. It does not have to be one or the other. You can have them both and still belong to Jesus. Maybe you have been feeling the need to go to therapy but struggling with the stigma that is placed on Christians and therapy. Let that go and get what you need. If therapy is what you need, I pray for courage for you to go after what you need. I am so grateful for your presence here. The fact that you would read my words here in this space means so much to me. I honor your presence here.

Lord Jesus I pray for every person reading this blog post. I pray that you will give them the courage they need to go to therapy. Lord I pray that you will lead them to the therapist that will be the best fit for them. I pray that they will know that you are always with them. I pray they will encounter your love in new and deep ways. In Jesus name I pray. Anen